Monday, December 19, 2005

I joined an internet dating site and found the man....errm woman of my dreams!

Well....I can't say that I've actually ever dreamed about her, although I have thought about her from time to time over the years. And just for the record, if I was ever gonna turn, I wouldn't have a mere mortal woman as my dream-gal....I'd have Angelina Jolie - it's those lips....oooolala!!

Here's the thing, I recently joined - like, I'm talking paid the AUD$20 for one month fee kind of joined....not just filled out phoney profile details kind of joined. I'd like to be able to say that I joined the site because I was rip-raring to get back out in the meat market....but I'm not, and yes, on the whole it is a meat market. Trust me on that one.

I joined that particular site because there seemed to be an unusally friendly and supportive element between the female natives who communicate on the Messageboards there. And at the moment being around other females in the same boat is what I've been looking for. The catch is, that you can't post on the Messageboards or communicate with anyone unless you pay up and go Gold. So I did. Too easy!

I've found that finding myself single again at 44 is a bit different than being single at any of my other ages so far. I don't know what it is - it's simply different. Being a little older/wiser/more emotionally mature, when going into my last relationship, I was more determined to make sure it worked and so put all of myself into it. I know I have never done that at such a level before and I think that's why I'm finding myself in this kind of limbo that I'm now in.

In amongst everything else, I'm having to re-learn to trust my own judgement again. Being me, the little analyser that I am....I can't believe I got it so wrong! But, that's another story - one that I will probably never write in here about.

At the moment I'm going through this inner battle of working out what it is I really want from a relationship. I guess the battle isn't so much "what I want"....I know what I want and my last relationship appeared to have it all. But when push came to shove, it didn't. So the battle is trying to work out if what I want is actually possible - at my age. I gotta say in all honesty, it's not looking good.

I'm not the least bit embarrassed admitting that I want a partner in my life to grow old with. I've done the whole finding the "Goddess Within" single bit and had a lot of fun with it. I know who I am. I like and love who I am and I don't need a man to complete me. Now that I'm all whole and everything I'd like to have a man in my life to share all that with.

Not just anyone though - if I wanted just anyone, I would still be married to the father of my children (shuddering just typing it!). No, I want a man in my life who not only sees the value in life-partnership but is also willing to put in the effort to travel through the ups & downs together, along side Someone who I can trust will be there no matter what and is willing and able to commit himself to that. When it all boils down to it, I'm looking for someone who shares the same core relationship values as I do.

Therein lay part of my little dilemma. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but there isn't a whole lot of that kind of commitment around these days. It's there sure. I'm a walking breathing example of it being around so I know I'm not alone in my quest - we are just a much smaller group than the other. The ever increasing "throw-away" society that we have created seems to have lessened the importance of putting ourselves on the line for anything. There is such an abundance of everything around - why work hard for keeping something when it can be easily replaced or gotten elsewhere?

Unfortunately, the way a lot of people view their relationships has not escaped this recycling frenzy. It's much easier to walk away than stay and work things out.

From what I am learning by talking to other likeminded souls (read: single middle-agers), is that while virtualy everyone I talk to (males and females) say they want the relationship to end all relationships.....not a whole lot of them are really prepared to, or even understand what it means to put in the hard miles to keeping it.

To a basically well adjusted single woman who is trying to sort herself out enough to re-enter a relationship at some stage - what I'm learning scares me!

I'm not saying all this because I'm a woman scorned and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel because of it. These are views I've held for quite some time and have made the continuous effort not to become part of. I'm saying all this now because I find myself in a position where I want a man in my life but the chances of me finding that man are greatly reduced simply because of the way things are in the world around me.

So I'm at the "What's a girl to do?" stage. I'm fighting hard against myself in deciding whether my happily-ever-after ideals have become outdated. Maybe they have. Maybe the best I can realistically hope for is to settle for a "Friends with Benefits" kind of relationship somewhere down the track. Which I'm not adverse to. Have done extremely successfully in the past. But never viewed as something permenant or the way I would be in a know....when I'm old and really wrinkly.

I mean seriously, does a FWB make sure you put you teeth in the right way in the mornings when you've reached that confusing stage of life?? No. Because a FWB isn't there in the mornings! Not unless you happen to be living at the same nursing home and he's just down the hallway at least.

There is no urgency in my self-made dilemma, I mean, I'm not sitting here biting at the bit, tearing my hair out, needing a man in my life right now - it's just the time of year where I sort through all the little cogs in my Life Wheel. Now is the time where I reflect on the last twelve months and work out how I am going to enter the new year and Primary Relationship is no longer I have to work out what to do with all the space.

Ohhh....getting back to the heading and where I started with this post. While I was surfing through all the profiles of local Brisbane people one night - I found the profile of a school friend! Her and I were like siamese twins - we did everything together but lost contact over the you do. So with my sparkling new Gold Membership, I messaged her and found out she only lives two suburbs away! How cool is that! first date from an internet dating site will be with a woman. We're meeting for "coffee" in the New Year - I am soooo totally stoked! I haven't worked up the courage to tell Midget yet....if I tell her I'm meeting a woman from the site, it will totally convince her that I have know....turned. I think she suspects that I am/have, and I guess my joking around about it probably doesn't help dispell any thoughts along those lines. I should stop it. God knows what kind of damage it's doing. But it is fun watching her reaction hehehe. I am such a baaaaad Mother - oh well....I've never claimed to be purrrrfect ;-Þ.


Blogger Jack said...

You could always do me a good turn anyday ...

Just don't go and have any plastic surgery, or that drastic operation 'Astrapadicktome'

In all the moving around, I've put yre email in a safe place ... drop me line wiv it gal, won't ya, pretty please?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 5:00:00 AM  
Blogger Miz P said...

heheheh chance of me ever having one of those kind of operations - what do you do with "it" when you're know...using it??

How uncomfortable it must be having that big thing dangling between your legs day in, day out!

I'll pop a little email to you over the weekend ;-).

Friday, December 30, 2005 5:56:00 PM  
Blogger Candy Froggie said...

It's so true, so so true about the "throw-away" society and relationship, I had never thought of it, but you're definatly right!
Now I believe still lots of people expect the same from a relationship as you do (or is it something more female-ish? I wonder! neeeee, some men are like that too...a few! yuss, a gopod dozen of men at least! ;-)

I understand very well your dilemma (you've explained it so purrfectly!)... I'd say that at the end, knowing what you expect from a relationship, you must take life as it comes and be open ... make it simple maybe, because Life can offer lots of lil miracles this way me thinks.

Anyway, at least you can talk of it with the women from this site and that might be very helpful (sharing the same purpose somehow...maybe sharing "profiles" from men of the site too! lol!)

You're gonna spend a fookin guuud time with your school friend I bet! How amazing you've found her again! Too too kewl!

OHHHH, btw, Yeeeepeee I'm over happy to be back around! hehehe
Mwaaaaaa****^** *

Friday, December 30, 2005 6:33:00 PM  
Blogger Miz P said...

You are absolutely right...there must be at least a dozen men out there with healthy relationship values - so I'm not dealing with the impossible ;-Þ *^*^~*^*^*^~*^*^~*

Sunday, January 01, 2006 9:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm.. some free dating sites make money with adsense etc..

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Monday, January 18, 2010 3:06:00 PM  

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