Friday, December 30, 2005

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

Ohhh. It's hot in here? Phewww....thank-God for that, for a scary moment there I thought maybe.....

So anyway, heat and sweaty bits aside....I'm really glad to be home, eventhough it was difficult to leave the Sunshine Coast! A great time was had by all, celebrating Christmas at Anthony's. Everyone had their happy-hats on and being right on the water with it's cool sea breeze and a pool to laze around in was definately the best place to be in this sweltering heat. I'd post the amazing pictures I took - if I had any! Ummmm.......I forgot to write new batteries for my camera on my never ending list of "had to do's". Buggar!

We didn't do the traditional family lunch/dinner thing - it's way to hot to be eating big meals at this time of year, so we had a brunch feast by the pool instead. It was fabulous!! Then the rest of the day was spent nibbling on cold meats, salads and home cooked goodies at will. It's the first Christmas where I didn't feel like a stuffed pig at the end of the day.

Because seriously, as I explained to the fam before introducing them to the new tradition of eating big early, Christmas is not really about the food. It's about the presents that Santa leaves!!! Bring it on!!! much as it pains me to say it, it's not really about the presents that the big-fat-hairy dude leaves either. It's about being in the presence of people you love. And we all agreed that we had a huge tick for us in understanding and celebrating the meaning of what it's all about.

The Daddio, Midget and me decided to stay on an extra two days after the other's had left. There was nothing pressing to rush home for and the thought of spending a couple of peaceful days relaxing in the loveliness (read: cooolness) was simply too tempating. It wasn't until the house was quiet and the crowd had left that I realised just how tired I was and how much I needed that extra time to unwind. "Throwing" together a family Christmas can be really quite exhausting!

I've somehow managed to do the impossible for this time of year - I've lost another one and a half kilos! I knew that I wouldn't put any weight on because I simply can't eat enough in this heat to put weight on...but I didn't think I would lose weight. Dangnabbit! I can see that summer is going to be the worst time of the year for me and this stooopid dis-ease. And it's made the goal of my tattoo just that little bit further away [sigh].

I had four hypos in the first two days of being away, which was more than a little frustrating (actually - it was bloody annoying!). It was no fun not being able to drive or having to sit on the sidelines while all the "kool-kids" had fun frollicking in the pool and surf while I stayed "safe". So I made an executive decision and decided to keep my BGL's a little higher than normal - which is why I lost the weight I guess. When blood glucose levels are over 10mmols the body doesn't absorb as much of the goodness from the food....which was probably part of the reason I was feeling so tired as well.

For me, it was more than worth it though. It was the first Christmas in several years that I've spent with my babes.....I wasn't going miss out on enjoying the moments. And.....I got great tan as well!! Weeeehoooooooo!!

Speaking of great tans.....time for me to pick Midget up from work then it's off to the local pool to do a few laps and work on bettering ours a little bit more.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I joined an internet dating site and found the man....errm woman of my dreams!

Well....I can't say that I've actually ever dreamed about her, although I have thought about her from time to time over the years. And just for the record, if I was ever gonna turn, I wouldn't have a mere mortal woman as my dream-gal....I'd have Angelina Jolie - it's those lips....oooolala!!

Here's the thing, I recently joined - like, I'm talking paid the AUD$20 for one month fee kind of joined....not just filled out phoney profile details kind of joined. I'd like to be able to say that I joined the site because I was rip-raring to get back out in the meat market....but I'm not, and yes, on the whole it is a meat market. Trust me on that one.

I joined that particular site because there seemed to be an unusally friendly and supportive element between the female natives who communicate on the Messageboards there. And at the moment being around other females in the same boat is what I've been looking for. The catch is, that you can't post on the Messageboards or communicate with anyone unless you pay up and go Gold. So I did. Too easy!

I've found that finding myself single again at 44 is a bit different than being single at any of my other ages so far. I don't know what it is - it's simply different. Being a little older/wiser/more emotionally mature, when going into my last relationship, I was more determined to make sure it worked and so put all of myself into it. I know I have never done that at such a level before and I think that's why I'm finding myself in this kind of limbo that I'm now in.

In amongst everything else, I'm having to re-learn to trust my own judgement again. Being me, the little analyser that I am....I can't believe I got it so wrong! But, that's another story - one that I will probably never write in here about.

At the moment I'm going through this inner battle of working out what it is I really want from a relationship. I guess the battle isn't so much "what I want"....I know what I want and my last relationship appeared to have it all. But when push came to shove, it didn't. So the battle is trying to work out if what I want is actually possible - at my age. I gotta say in all honesty, it's not looking good.

I'm not the least bit embarrassed admitting that I want a partner in my life to grow old with. I've done the whole finding the "Goddess Within" single bit and had a lot of fun with it. I know who I am. I like and love who I am and I don't need a man to complete me. Now that I'm all whole and everything I'd like to have a man in my life to share all that with.

Not just anyone though - if I wanted just anyone, I would still be married to the father of my children (shuddering just typing it!). No, I want a man in my life who not only sees the value in life-partnership but is also willing to put in the effort to travel through the ups & downs together, along side Someone who I can trust will be there no matter what and is willing and able to commit himself to that. When it all boils down to it, I'm looking for someone who shares the same core relationship values as I do.

Therein lay part of my little dilemma. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but there isn't a whole lot of that kind of commitment around these days. It's there sure. I'm a walking breathing example of it being around so I know I'm not alone in my quest - we are just a much smaller group than the other. The ever increasing "throw-away" society that we have created seems to have lessened the importance of putting ourselves on the line for anything. There is such an abundance of everything around - why work hard for keeping something when it can be easily replaced or gotten elsewhere?

Unfortunately, the way a lot of people view their relationships has not escaped this recycling frenzy. It's much easier to walk away than stay and work things out.

From what I am learning by talking to other likeminded souls (read: single middle-agers), is that while virtualy everyone I talk to (males and females) say they want the relationship to end all relationships.....not a whole lot of them are really prepared to, or even understand what it means to put in the hard miles to keeping it.

To a basically well adjusted single woman who is trying to sort herself out enough to re-enter a relationship at some stage - what I'm learning scares me!

I'm not saying all this because I'm a woman scorned and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel because of it. These are views I've held for quite some time and have made the continuous effort not to become part of. I'm saying all this now because I find myself in a position where I want a man in my life but the chances of me finding that man are greatly reduced simply because of the way things are in the world around me.

So I'm at the "What's a girl to do?" stage. I'm fighting hard against myself in deciding whether my happily-ever-after ideals have become outdated. Maybe they have. Maybe the best I can realistically hope for is to settle for a "Friends with Benefits" kind of relationship somewhere down the track. Which I'm not adverse to. Have done extremely successfully in the past. But never viewed as something permenant or the way I would be in a know....when I'm old and really wrinkly.

I mean seriously, does a FWB make sure you put you teeth in the right way in the mornings when you've reached that confusing stage of life?? No. Because a FWB isn't there in the mornings! Not unless you happen to be living at the same nursing home and he's just down the hallway at least.

There is no urgency in my self-made dilemma, I mean, I'm not sitting here biting at the bit, tearing my hair out, needing a man in my life right now - it's just the time of year where I sort through all the little cogs in my Life Wheel. Now is the time where I reflect on the last twelve months and work out how I am going to enter the new year and Primary Relationship is no longer I have to work out what to do with all the space.

Ohhh....getting back to the heading and where I started with this post. While I was surfing through all the profiles of local Brisbane people one night - I found the profile of a school friend! Her and I were like siamese twins - we did everything together but lost contact over the you do. So with my sparkling new Gold Membership, I messaged her and found out she only lives two suburbs away! How cool is that! first date from an internet dating site will be with a woman. We're meeting for "coffee" in the New Year - I am soooo totally stoked! I haven't worked up the courage to tell Midget yet....if I tell her I'm meeting a woman from the site, it will totally convince her that I have know....turned. I think she suspects that I am/have, and I guess my joking around about it probably doesn't help dispell any thoughts along those lines. I should stop it. God knows what kind of damage it's doing. But it is fun watching her reaction hehehe. I am such a baaaaad Mother - oh well....I've never claimed to be purrrrfect ;-Þ.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

I have not been here. I have not been there.

I have not been any-where !!!! That is the nature of the beast we call "getting ready for Christmas". Anyhooo....I've got five mins spare before I shut Vivianne down (huge-huge gnarly storm approaching.....very-verrrrrry quickly!).

My Sister, her hubby, my neice and my little Grandy-neph are arriving this arvo for the weekend so it's been a tad frantic here getting rid of the evidence of the last weeks Chrissy preparations. I've had sooooo many things on the go that the place has kinda looked like a war zone....not a flat surface was left uncovered in either something glittery, paint splattered or Yule looking. Phew!!!

Nothing like visitors to get your arse moving - thank-god, because I was starting to lose myself in all the rubble here!

Right....I'll be back sometime soon. When I'm not melting into a wet messy glob and I can fight my way closer to Vivianne!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Whooooosh! (the sound of my day whizzzing past!

What is it called when you have a tonne of things to do and more (unexpected) stuff keeps popping up? Oh. Life?

It's not that it's been tear your hair out busy around these parts, but it just seems like before one thing gets finished....there's another one sitting at my feet looking up at me with it's big cute eyes saying "Do me next! Do me next!!".

This morning (well, this morning and now), I've been spiffy-ing up my Resume and putting together a few Cover letters for a couple of jobs that I'm interested in (part-timers that should allow me to keep doing the part-time Teachers Aiding and study next year) simply wasn't to be. It got done but not without a kazillion interruptions of equally important stuff popping up - phone calls, people calling in, the Daddio explaining in indepth detail several times, his latest theory on why my tea cup gets stained and his coffee cup doesn't.

I get frustrated when I can't get stuff done. Then I get cranky. Then I get frustated again (at myself) for getting cranky. I don't like being frustrated or cranky. Bahhhhhhhh!

So here I almost half gone and only half the things I wanted to get done, done. But on the bright side, I got to speak to my eldest son on the phone (four times!), a gal pal, my job recruiter, two tele-sales marketers, two of Midgets friends and I got to learn a new theory about the rate at which tea will stain the inside of your cup!

Time to pick Midget up from work, grab a bit to eat then onward with the rest of the dailies - wish me luck!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The strange thing about being organised is....

....nothing will actually come to fruition unless you do the things you have written down to do on the kazillion's of lists you have. I sometimes forget that. I spend hours putting a plan together (brilliant plans I might add here) then put them aside to "be dealt with later" and then forget about checking in with it all.

Last night I went through the Christmas preparation lists - pen in hand, ready to give big ticks to everything I had done so far. It was a little bit disappointing.....there were only five ticks out of a possible 25 000 (have I mentioned that I am very good at making up very detailed lists??).

So, with the thought in mind that there are only 17 days left until the big-hairy dude arrives (eeeek!) and only 7 days for me to finish everything I had planned to do, I decided that now might be a good time to know, doing something!


Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire - Brilliant! Loved it. Will say more when everyone has seen it. Well, not everyone....just everyone I know who is going to see it.

The heat - aside from making me want to come in here and complain endlessly about it, it also makes me not want to eat, so I'm in constant argument with myself. I'm 1kg away from the goal weight I set for myself....once I can put that on, I can get my tattoo!!

Midget - is getting heaps better behind the wheel....we're tackling real streets now, with real other cars & real people & and real heart attacks for the Mummy.

HappyMac - has a week holiday and has gone to visit his Grandmother for a few days.

My childrens father - has absolutely no misconceptions on my views of his fathering techniques. Not after our last phone conversation at least. His humbleness almost moved me enough to apologise for what I said - it wasn't enough though, so I apologised for the tone in which I spoke to him instead.

Madame Slash - just home from the hairdressers with my hair almost as short as I like it and much blonder than I usually have it. I decided to wait until she had put the razor away before mentioning that Midget wants to go back to being blonde again. This was the right decision. She's not called Madame Slash for nothing.

John Lennon, in memory - 25 years. Wow, it doesn't seem that long. I wonder if he would still be singing if he was alive today.

Special Ed Unit Christmas party - was a great night! After gorging our faces on way too much food, which I was told is mandatory for such nights, it was upstairs to take over the dance floor and bop the rest of the night away. I haven't danced so much in a loooooong time - my poor little feet and legs still haven't recovered. The highlight of the night was definately attempting to jive with a 6ft (something) gentle giant named John. I have no idea who he was, I think he is a teacher from the mainstream part of the school. Anyhow, in those moments where I couldn't keep up and my feet were threatening to become entangled around themselves, he would simply pick me up and swing me around like I was a doll. It was a looootttta fun.....and I didn't wipe out one single person with my flailing legs!

Internet Dating - I can't decide whether to remove my profiles or not. It seems like a bit of a waste of time leaving them there if I'm not gonna use them...and it's clogging my in-box up! But then I think....well...what's the rush, the next message I recieve might just be the one that will have me wanting to play Russian Roulette again . I hate when I can't make up my mind about something.

Monday, December 05, 2005


And so it begins. The Queensland summer that I complain and stomp my sweaty little feet over every year has arrived. With 96% humidity, it's one of those days when you jump out of your lovely cooling shower and no matter how hard you try - you can't get dry. Have I ever mentioned before how much I hate this kind of weather?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

It's not what it looks like. Honest!

Ewwww....were you just sniffing your undies??
No! Of course not! I was just checking that they smell nice, some of the washing smells stale water.
Ahuh...yup.....sure it does. Admit it -you were sniffing your undies!
Was not!
Was too!
Too! You're a sick girl Penny......I'm proud of ya!

A snippet of a conversation between my bro and me yesterday morning as I was standing at the clothesline hanging up some washing. He's 50, I'm 44...I'm sooo glad that some things never change! And just for the record, some of the clothes did smell funny (not my knickers though!) and I was just checking alright??

Busy day yesterday. Had a family Birthday BBQ at Chez Sillan for one of my brothers, so it meant I had to actually get up and do a bit of the housework that I've been avoiding all week. All those psychologist dudes are right....avoidence does't make anything go away. I thought it was worth a try though.

So yeah...lots of vacuuming and dusting etc.etc.etc.

In the afternoon the Daddio and I got busy preparing the foody bits. It was nice working together - he was in a really chatty mood and kept bringing up little stories from when I younger and my bum was much closer to the ground. And what a team we made! Chopping. Slicing. Grating. Like there was no tomorrow. Good fun!

Midget got her Learner's License last week - one answer wrong out of 35 (she did 5 extra questions 'cause she's getting her motorbike license as well).....she was pretty darn happy about that and naturally I'm pretty proud that she did so well.

We've had two lessons together so far, only one little incident with a gutter and no major heart failures for the Mummy. It's looking good. I think she'll do OK....she's not as cocky behind the wheel as the boys were. Mainly I think, because she can barely see over it! I've had to stop the "Mummy needs to up her dose of Prozac" jokes though....funnily enough, she doesn't see the funny side of them. Girls are such emotional little creatures. Gotta love 'em!

Had a long deep & meaningful with one of my nieces on the phone this morning. She's 22 and full of questions about life & love and wanted to talk about, amongst other things, how I have handled the break-up with GC - because I'm doing so well, she wanted to know how to do it in case she ever needs to! Bless her - right down to her little cotton socks! It was actually very difficult finding the right words to explain how I do the things I do and why I do them the way I do. We've had these kind of talks in the past and I've always found them a welcome challenge ('tis how I learn).

The conversation got me wondering - how well am I really doing? I guess compared to some who find themselves in the same boat, I'm doing good. Great even. Breaking up with GC hasn't stopped me finding enjoyment in the other areas of my life. In fact, if anything the situation pushed me into making the most of what life has to offer in those other areas. And that's where I spend most of my time. Getting out and about. Doing. Being. Living.

Try and talk to me about "getting back out there" in regard to dating though, and my stomach turns in to one big knot and my blood runs cold. I just can't imagine being with another man and if a guy even looks like he's about to chat me up - it creeps me out. I can't bear the thought of anyone else touching me emotionally or physically. This is not a good thing I feel. It's not something I've experienced at the end of a relationship before - maybe intially but not 4 months down the track. I should be wanting to be back out there dammit!

Midget and I had a bit of a play around with a few online dating sites a few weeks ago. She appears to have taken my "getting back out there" on as a personal challenge. Anyhow, it was all fun while we were messing around making up.....writing truthful and honest descriptions of how wonderful I am. And I get maybe 5 email a day from guys wanting to communicate but I never answer them. I'm sure most of them are decent people but I look at them and read their profiles and seem like a nice guy but you're not my guy.

Major lesson in "letting go" needing to be learnt here me thinks. All in good time I guess. So yeah.....I'm doing really good, just need a little more fine tuning and maybe some time and I'll be doing really great in every area! (I hope!)

Soooo it's mid-morning Sunday. Midget's at work. Happymac is sleeping off last night's party. The Daddio is at the bro's place doing boy stuff. Just leaves me here with a computer and a whole lotta time on my hands. That can only mean one thing! Back to the picture! Then maybe out for a SITC coffee with a gal pal, a little nap, followed by a walk along the beachfront before picking the Midgety One up.

Sounds like a plan.

PS I've got 52 band names now....with a little help ;-)

Friday, December 02, 2005

Cheers big ears!! Same goes big nose!!

The Daddio decided to have a little night-cap of his favourite port, so I thought, what the hell, I'll join him! He loves doing the whole big-ears/big-nose clinking glasses toast thing....actually so do I. Gives us both a good chuckle. Juveniles that we are!

He's gone off to his room to tackle writing Christmas cards, Midget's at her boys place and HappyMac is out with his crew. That just leaves Podge & me *glandouilling* in the relative quiteness of what feels like an almost empty Friday night house. Bliss! (and sipppppp!)

Soooo....the preparations for Christmas are well under way here. Midget and I have settled on a theme (major step!) and we've organised what we'll be wearing on Chrissy day.....phew!! After much debate (read: almost fullblown mother/daughter arguments) we've decided to have a "White" Christmas just like Europe does. Except we won't have snow, everyone will just wear white on the we'll all be the snow. Get it? (siiiippp!)

Midget had her heart set on fuscia colour theme. I quite like fuscia, and I agree that it would give a more individual and undoubtably funky feel to the day. matter how hard I tried, I simply couldn't see anyone else agreeing to wear such a vibrant pink. I did promise her though, that the next Christmas we share together, the theme will be fuscia pink no matter what. She'll be 18 by then and hopefully well and truly over her pink phase in life (fingers tightly crossed and sippppppping).

We've also decided that since we only have 8 pairs of raindeer ears, the boys can wear them and we'll grab some lovely fluffy, sparkley halo's from the local $2 shop for the girlies to wear. Ohh and....we're making our own bon bons this year as well! It's all coming together nicely.

We haven't got a clue about the menu or who's gonna actually be with us on the day yet or how we are going to get Podgee up to Anthony's place (did I mention we were having Christmas up at his place this year?) but anyway.....they're just details really, how hard can all that be to organise? I've got my lists all printed out. It'll all fall into place...umm...I'm sure. (huge sippp!)

I haven't been sleeping all that well lately (must be all the excitement of finally having a white Christmas!) so I was scouring through random blogs in the early hours of this morning. I found this picture over here. There are 74 band names represented in the picture, see how many you can find. Thaozee has a list of the ones he's found here and there are a couple more in his comments (thank-you.thank-you very much). I'm just about to go back in and see if I can get the rest....there are some really obvious ones I've missed, I just know it, and it's driving me nuts!